My Journey: Evolution in Creative Expression and Sense of Self Part 3

   So, I had this discussion with myself and my husband while I advertised for an ATS workshop. As I set to it I realized how much had changed even since I had last really advertised myself as a teacher. Facebook pages and group worked differently and there were a multitude of ways to advertise yourself on-line and not just by Facebook, Kijiji or Twitter. I worked on making handouts and the music playlists, and posters. I did not have a good camera or the ability to get a new one with a good camera yet. My older pictures of me as a dancer were old. I did not at the time have a photographer in the area and wasn't sure how much I was willing to spend on a session plus travelling. So I had a picture taken by my husband with my crappy old phone camera(not that old but was never good camera tech and phones age fast these days). The only way to make it look more professional was by muting it and zooming into the picture up close to my hips because i also had not had a complete costume for years. This is the pic that you see as my profile pic on my Facebook dance page. I had this as my main profile pic also on my regular Facebook but received a bad reaction from a dancer I had on a previous Facebook who thought I was either a fake account or a creepy male who was stalking her. I had taken the time to message some people who I had added to my new facebook after I had been off for about a year but had not messaged her. I had no idea that my picture and state of my facebook account being new would be received in such away and that when I asked why I was unfriended that I was told I had no right to ask.

   It's something I tried to not let bother me, but it did. I felt alienated and paranoid about how possible future interactions might go because not only is the greater belly dance community small, the dance community in the Maritimes is doubly small. If I go to a workshop that this dancer may be at I don't know if they would even know me or if they would assume I am "stalking" them simply because I "liked" a few of their pictures and go to workshops in the dance community. There is a lot to why I felt it hit below the belt. For starters I was very new to being back in the Maritime Dance scene and felt it was a horrible start. I was busy enough with the workshop coming up within a week that I was too busy to take as much notice of how it hit at my confidence and my already underlying fears that whenever I try to teach I for some reason attract a very odd "wtf??" moment. Something that had happened to only to me and where I saw a side of someone that possibly no one else had.

   The workshop went on with success but within a week I caught the flu that was going around. I had symptoms then on the day or two of that week I felt more normal would practice and do stuff as usual planning on starting classes the following week. Then it kept coming back and going away seemingly and coming back. I tried not to superstitiously equate it with, "When I teach bad things happen to me to make it impossible for me to teach!" It crept in there and I still have this fear and it's PTSD and no I can't just get over it. Unfortunately I am more easily discouraged in this area from fear. I haven't quite cracked the code to have it gone once and for all. I was going to face it every week for teaching but nope it had to be January during the thick of winter while all the worst plagues are going around! After a three or so weeks I had to wonder, "Is it flu or something worse? When will this go away?" So when I contacted the owner of Perpetual Motion dance Studio that I didn't know when I was going to be better she mentioned that the Tap group would like to make use of the time slot on the day I had reserved and rented for. It was more fair to the Tap group and to the owner so that she could make use of the time slot and receive some rent rather than each week for who knows how long my having to cancel and have no rent to give her.

   I felt it was really not fair to the people who had come to the workshop and had wanted to continue as well as to all of the unknowns in Sackville who I would only know were interested when they showed up on the first day. I felt guilty and sorry also to the previous dancer of the space. But did what I thought was right and am keeping the door open to teach in the future somewhere, someday. I had been afraid that the arrhythmia I get which developed over the past year and a half or so would get in the way of my teaching and practicing. But I didn't want to let it. In truth it did get worse the more I was taking on for advertising, organizing and doing all of that with real practice. And when I got the flu it got worse. When I say real practice I mean 2-4 hours almost each day of the week.

   But, not long after I gave the time slot to Tap and broke the news that classes were cancelled indefinitely of course I recovered and made my way towards practicing seriously without knowing when or where I'll teach again.

   So, here I am today. My choice is to teach workshops in the future. I'm hesitant to teach ongoing classes because my immune system has always been bad. Believe it or not, I get sick less than I used to and to not as bad of a degree. I don't get pneumonia or the kind of flu/cold where I am sneezing absolutely constantly. I do everything I can to strengthen my immune system and to avoid lung infections for having asthma. Maybe to some it means I am whining for talking about things that aren't "amazing". I just tell it like it is. This is my process and my truth. That's it. No facade.

   I'm also hesitant to teach ongoing classes right now because the arrhythmia I get makes me nervous. It's not something that you can just control and like a lot of health issues that no one can see it's hard to understand so that you can avoid it from happening. I don't know when or why sometimes it happens. Sometimes I notice a trigger but then notice that it doesn't trigger it at another time. I assume it's my bodies way of telling me that my cup is overflowing. That everything I've been through has done damage not just to my spirit heart but my physical one. So, I have to do my best to strengthen, heal and protect it in many ways. I will only someday start teaching regular classes after enough time has gone by with absolutely no arrhythmia in normal activity.

   My doctor who I saw in Fredericton when it started believed it's just something that I developed which some people are more apt to do. She said it wasn't dangerous to my health and to try and relax when it's happening and to notice when and why it happens. I've thought it was from prolonged abnormal stress or from taking asthma medication including the rescue inhaler. I still don't know anything for sure so I go on rather blindly but doing my best to handle it and my best to know what I can handle. I see it as one of the ways my body talks to me that it has over the years. At this time in my life it's my heart. At other times in my 20s and early 30s it was most definitely my gut. I discovered my pain was from IBS. No doctor told me but I fit all of the symptoms. Now I know how to control it I don't get the symptoms so much anymore which makes me lucky. Some people have more triggers than I. Specific foods or drinks would trigger it or not eating soon enough but it also happened when  someone had hurt me and when it had really cut at my esteem. This was so for me, I don't know about anyone else. But I couldn't help but notice the pattern that was going on. IBS also got in my way and I'm thankful it doesn't anymore!

   I found it odd that someone with arrhythmia could have perfect blood pressure but there it was when I got tested. There have been times where absolutely nothing would trigger it. Or it would be a really strong arrhythmia after only half an hour of simple belly dance practice. But now that I am "controlling" it I can manage to be active most days of the week for hours doing intense practice without arrhythmia. It happens sometimes but again I don't know why. Oddly enough it doesn't mean I am unhealthy or unfit. Just like having asthma doesn't mean I am "weak" simply by having it even if it's medicated. I met someone who was dumbfounded to find out I had asthma because I wasn't a spindly skinny, weak little thing. Was rather insulting but occurrences like that happen to people who have an illness that nobody understands unless they have it themselves. It seems to be a common belief that a person can''t have symptoms of unhealth but also be healthy. Odd? Yes but it's true.

   Health affects creativity, state of mind, ability to take on new ventures and goals. It's hard sometimes when you have symptoms of something that makes you feel unwell and unable to handle what you normally do. People blame and think if the person did better or did some kind of technique it would just go away. That it's simpler than it really is even though millions of people have Asthma or have Migraines or IBS or Chronic Pain. The culture expects people to just get over it eventually and if they have not then they have failed even if they are doing the best they can. All of this really does not help anyone's sense of self. As it is to those who are afflicted work hard to not define themselves by their symptoms while others around them are either pitying them or judging them and even hating them for reminding them of their own vulnerability as a human being.

   It is partially because of the things that afflict me physically and Hereditary Spastic Paraplegia that physical expression dominates so much of my time. For those of you that don't know what HSP is and haven't read my previous post this is a genetic illness that runs in my family. Everyday when I practice and can practice for hours I am grateful that I can walk and more. At the back of my mind I hope that by doing intense practice that I am warding it off. And because of all of the kinds of pain including everything I've mentioned in this post and the kind I experienced that I mentioned in previous ones I'm grateful to do anything. It's amazing to not have the chronic pain in my shoulder stopping me from doing something before I want. At times my only creative expression was trying to find ways to relieve pain and that was it.

   I say all this because human beings have a natural need to tell their story. The internet is a giant talking stick and if you have wondered into my circle welcome. I want to hear your story. I share all of the texture, the nuts and bolts of my story so that people will feel that they can. So that I can try to budge the belief just a little about having a defined set of emotions in a pretty box narrowed down to strength and power. We are more than that. Some people don't want to be reminded of their humanity. Some do and this is for whom I speak. All of what I express is who I am as an artist, a dancer, a teacher, anything I do. If I don't communicate about these things then I would be pretending to you that I am a different kind of artist/dancer. Anything I do should not be about forwarding my name or gaining attention or pity or making myself appear impossibly perfect.

   Because anything that is of real and true worth in this world has the power to cut past the falsity. To cut past the grain to what is real. Lies never did anyone any good. And a life built around lies or trying to get better at lying to others is more than sad. It's an act of war on oneself and anything in this world that refuses to or can't lie. I know what people are up against. I face it everyday. It tugs at the back of my mind even if I'm not thinking about it. But the more people that begin the more that people will begin.

   I challenge you to be your truth in your everyday life including in the arts. I challenge you to look at yourself real closely to know your intentions. To know how much your lying to yourself and others and trying to get better and better at it as a way to success in this world I challenge you to stop and feel how that feels and how much you numb yourself to how much you actually do in fact hate it and want to give it up. In order to give anything up that is horrible for us we have to allow ourselves to feel just how horrible it really is. That it isn't that great to keep telling ourselves " I'll feel better when I'm thin, perfect, rich, a genius and successful. It's ok if I feel like shit now."

   Anything worth anything takes time and work and even some unhappy and imperfect emotions but not to the extent where we have to constantly tell ourselves "I'll be happy when."

   We need artists that express the grand magnitude of being human and therefore of what it is to be alive, the good and the bad, the imperfect, the dark and the light. And we need artists that share their stories, not just their techniques. Artists trying to not be rebellious, not not face people with themselves, not stir energy within is a contradiction in terms. Artists have been seen as many things over the years. Only recently have artists been seen as rebellious and questioning culture and getting others to. How could a Belly Dancer be any of these things or have this affect just by dancing with a variety of emotions instead of just one or two in each dance she dances? Because it's a radical act to feel and to express in our culture.

   I challenge all dancers to find this depth of emotion in any dance form they practice whether it is ATS, Tribal Fusion or Am Cab. Don't get lost in technique or goals of unreachable perfection. You'll find that when you do that you become the amazing dancer that you were always struggling to be.

   I'll talk more about how and why this happens in a future post that will also praise Princess Farhana's deck of dance practice cards!

   Stay tuned!

My Journey: Evolution in Creative Expression and Sense of Self Part 2

   A lot of people dance with creativity everyday and dance the edge of deep innermost expression all the while keeping it at a distance and therefore not really committing to the message that is there to come out. The hardest part of any creative endeavor is not the technique or the time/energy management. It's the daring to be completely and whole heartedly honest with no codes to veil and distort the expression. We want to water it down and make it more palatable to the masses even though the artists job is to challenge people to reflect on their own experiences and relation to themselves, to others and to things. The artist no matter what style of expression has been turned into a robot. Merely an entertainer. Entertainment is all good and well. It is very much needed in a world where people work very hard and suffer everyday. Sometimes entertainment is the only thing that can make us feel like we aren't the only one, or to take us beyond a difficult experience to experience happiness again. But people are very afraid of facing themselves, hearing themselves speak. Because they know deep down what I know by experience. That when you hear yourself and see yourself you see everything around you differently. You feel everything differently. And all of this means that you'll attract trouble in some way or another. It means having who you are on the table and therefore not ultra protected by a massive wall of illusion.

   I have danced for years with how to have a wall that is good for me rather than one that is created in the way that most people in my culture create. The kind that is based off of fear, anger, victim hood. We've all been victims of something and most of us know how hard it is to keep ourselves from losing a part of ourselves deep within that is fresh. The only part of us that has the guts to be so honest that it changes and breaks institutions and blows everyone's minds! To keep that inner child alive and healthy as well as safe and protected is the trick of it. If your like me you did not have a mother in life that was able to provide this for you while you are growing up. I like to believe in things I cannot see and things that I have never known but I know must exist and that I can create for myself. And because I believe that for myself and know this by experience I believe that every one else can too if they could only open their minds to the idea.

   I really believe that all of the trouble in the world no matter what it is is rooted in how people are conditioned to believe that their human nature and therefore animal nature is bad. And that we all must rise above it and to rise above anything from the natural animal kingdom. The more people have continued this line of thought, the more we have seen damage done to the earth and all of it's inhabitants. The massive breakdown of communities, families and therefore the massive breakdown of connection to our natural selves. We see dogmatic beliefs about beauty, success and self worth. Everything has a price tag including our abs, hair or lack thereof!

   All of this thought came about from experiencing not just knowing which I have known some time now that I had lost a connection to dance which I had early on in the early to mind 2000s when I began. Back then I had the heart of Am Cab in my heart and my hands and I danced with it. Over the years I explored other dance forms such as ATS and Tribal Fusion which I am very addicted to and I love them because my body loves expressing what these dance forms express. My body needs it and my mind needs it. But through exploring and focusing on these dance forms in depth I wasn't dancing with the heart of dance like I used to. As a result I had less and less confidence in myself as a dancer and as a person no matter that I was learning new dance forms, refining my techniques and learning more complicated things. All of this lead to feeling dis spirited by the dance form so over the years I danced back to it for missing it and wanting to have what I had before but then dancing away to other forms of expression and arts. I also was not in a good financial place to continue or to be in a community that I could be supported by. I could not explore all of the dance forms I had come to know and need. There were times where I wanted to join daturaonline.com but even then $25 per month was too much to commit to. And it isn't just videos. It's an on-line community that supports each other. So I didn't even have that!

   I also was very dis spirited by all of the politics surrounding Belly Dance which did not exist or not that I knew of when I began. I struggled with it enough that I was overwhelmed, burnt out and it drove away any of the heart I had tried to spirit up into my life again. But my wishes and my dreams never went away. I tried to make them go away to make my life easier. To save money, pay down debt easier and not be put in more debt by dancing. I was burned out in other areas of my life so much I craved simplicity, space, quiet and peace. I gave it to myself and though I needed it and got what I needed from it, I needed richness, color, texture, culture and energy that fluctuated to out and in to my center. I needed community and dreamed of finding a dance community that I could be part of again that allowed my spirit and expression to dance free. So, though I held dance at a distance I held the dream out there for it to be a possibility.

   I was not happy living in Fredericton NB. I was happy to go back there after living in Halifax NS but it did not have what I needed. I felt wrong there as I did in Halifax. I had no idea what I was going to do. All I could see ahead of me was nothing and I hated it. No matter how hard I looked I couldn't see myself having anything there and this went on for almost the entire time I was back. One day last fall at the beginning of October I was having one of those days which were many which felt dead, dis spirited, flat, unhappy, bleak, depressing. I was in the shower and suddenly a thought came to me straight out of nowhere. It was " Have I ever thought of moving to Sackville?" And I thought, that yes I had. Years ago during my first year at NBCCD while I was completing my FVA I applied too Mount Allison University to the Fine Arts program. The idea of moving to a small town at the time was scary. I used to live in a small town and was afraid of it. But I wanted to explore the Fine Arts so I applied. I did get accepted to the school to take any other program however but didn't follow through with it because though I was interested in many things they had to offer, I wanted the Fine Arts. After that I sporadically thought of moving to Sackville NB. I craved a small community that wasn't angry by the population, the horrible transit, etc. After going to see Alice Cooper in Moncton NB of 2016 my husband and I went on a trip with some friends who had also gone to the concert  to explore Sackville. I played with the idea a little then of what it would be like to move to the small town. Finally, I'm here! Last fall when I thought of it I also thought, " I could travel to Moncton nearby to take classes with Barbara Aubie at Studio Sephira! " I also thought, " I could travel to Halifax which would be much closer to take classes at Serpentine Dance Studio."

   Another part of my evolution of coming back into my dance self happened soon after I moved here much to my surprise! I knew it was meant to be because I had held an idea in my mind that I was looking for a healthy dance community. One day I was walking down the street and there was a dance studio. I thought " I wonder if they have any belly dance classes there...." Then thought "Probably not. It looks like it's Ballet and Modern Dance." I saw when I checked Perpetual Motion Dance Studio's site that it was indeed a lot of that. But I spied Tribal Fusion. Tribal Fusion! I was like "Wow! In this small town?!" I have come to find that Sackville NB holds many such hidden extraordinary jewels related to art and culture and it has made me feel more and more like it was the right choice to move there!

   So when I made my discovery I wrote the owner of the studio about more information regarding the classes to which she forwarded me on to the teacher. I wrote to her expressing my interest in taking classes, my experience and how I would like to be part of a dance community again and maybe to someday perform again. She wrote me back and was amazed to find someone approach her who already knew what Tribal Fusion and ATS was! We got together to chat at a local cafe and it was the first heart to heart chat that I had had about Belly Dance in years! We both talked about the difficulties within the greater dance community, the frustrations and our passions. We also talked about how image was a major barrier to women beginning and continuing the dance form. During the conversation she also revealed to me that she was going to be taking time off of teaching soon because she needed maternity leave. She apologized for my timing on coming to the classes just when they were ending but when she found out my experience as a dancer, teacher and yogi she wanted me to teach at the studio. For years I had been afraid of teaching. I believed that if I taught bad things would happen to me because they did! Over and over! But over the years I had also wanted to break that fear and find my voice in teaching again. Because I knew it was one of my inherent strengths. I could always speak on front of people without fear and I could always teach well even before I had teacher training. So that was not what I was afraid of.

   So when this opportunity was laid at my feet I was amazed. I was energized and full of adrenaline. I had hope of teaching again and of finally letting the fear go. I had taught a few years before but in my own space and privately. But the fear never completely went away. Having a class at a studio felt bigger and more "real". Over the years I had learned to doubt myself more but I kept telling myself of how much I had grown and how much I could offer even with my practice having been sporadic and not as involved or as intense as my practice earlier on. I don't know everything and never pretend to. But it had gotten into me over time that I was supposed to know everything somehow. So, I had to ignore that and remember that I did know a few things and that the spirit, not just the technique of my teaching was good and needed. I felt I had to get people to find the spirit within rather than connecting to a technique or an image or a hope of losing weight by dancing. It has always felt like a huge responsibility because it is. It's not an easy task to not just teach technique but to help people to love themselves unflinchingly without shame through dance or yoga. It's a tall order. People want to be amazing at these things so that they can finally like themselves. Rather than dance as a process to learning how to "love" themselves and not just "like". People are very attached to it because being amazing or thin or projecting a powerful and refined image gives off an impression that if we can achieve this then it will automatically promise respect from others. That no one will treat us like complete shit again! A lot of us would rather be intimidating enough to put others in a position of submission. It's one of the ways that we adopt to protect ourselves in life and when it comes to exploring an art form. It becomes about this toxic relationship with ourselves and others rather than a real relationship and a real expression with ourselves and others.

   Stay tuned for Part 3 of My Journey: Evolution in Creative Expression and Sense of Self!

My Journey: Evolution in Creative Expression and Sense of Self Part 1

 

 
 
   In a post quite awhile ago I mentioned that I would make a post discussing why I don't/can't choose between styles of belly dance and forgive me for this post is belated! In this post you'll also get to know me more and my own progression and journey through exploring different forms of movement.

  This post will also lead into another one about how an experience at a dance class with Princess Farhana's cards triggered all of this writing and therefore how great and revolutionary I think they are!

   Over the years I have gotten into different styles of dance as well as styles of movements that I miss when I haven't done them. There are so many out there it's impossible to do them all! So it's only the limits of time, energy and other passions which choose for me. Before I ever did any style of Belly Dance I found a VHS on Latin Dancing. I loved it! And later when I took Belly Dance classes I found there was a parallel to some of the hip movements. It's practice also gave me well coordinated feet and the ability to layer simple hip movements over steps. This is why I believe that all disciplines no matter what they are serve to expand and inform your ability in other traditions. I also around the same time found a VHS for Kickboxing which I also loved. This style also taught me to move my hips in a twisting motion with the leg pivoting on the toe.

   When I started belly dancing it was different but it still helped me to understand better what was going on in the Egyptian Step( also called "Step and Point") in AmCab and the Egyptian Basic in ATS. I recently did Kickboxing last week for the first time in months and was happy to find that even after an hour of weights that my energy was good and I had no arrhythmia! So win/win! But every time I do kickboxing after a time where I hadn't in awhile I realize just how great it is for improving lightness and speed in your feet, leg strength, endurance, hip flexibility and releasing tension in the legs. You also get a great twisting action in the shoulders and spine which also relieves tension. It's also a very different exercise than belly dance and found that I wasn't used to that particular flavor of intensity anymore. But because belly dance is my thing and takes a lot of hours to practice and energy Kickboxing will only be an every now and then practice for me unless I can travel in time like Hermione from Harry Potter!

   When I found a VHS of Veena and Neena's Basic Belly Dance movements at Zellers in Fredericton NB in the winter of 2002 I was over-joyed! I had wanted to for a few years and never knew where I could learn! I still don't remember how I found out about what it was called. All I know is that when I was a teen-ager I saw a Janet Jackson video where they were doing amazing hip movements! I had never seen anything like that before and was like "That can't be possible! But they are!" They were dressed more in a style of Indian Dance Fusion so at the time I thought it's origins was India. Somehow I came across the name Belly Dance, years before I found the Veena and Neena in 1999 I was mentioning to a person from my home town how I wanted to learn "Belly Dance". I remember their reaction! lol At the time I was oblivious to how risque and baaaad it was perceived to be! The way I grew up, I was very separate from the way that everyone else lived and the ways that others thought. It was a very bad thing but in this way it was good. Because I was so isolated and spent a lot of time alone I had lots of time to think and to hear my own voice. Only years later did I find out how rare it is for others to have this and that if they did it was only after years of being very very busy with no time or space to think, to know themselves.

   For me it was different. I grew up with a mentally ill parent where her condition was not properly controlled by medication. And so I was isolated from other people a lot. When I should have been at school but wasn't because my mother didn't make sure I did, I was exploring ideas in psychology and spirituality, yoga, lifting weights, playing guitar, drawing, reading, and writing poetry. Art and being in my body was my own culture that I created. There was no fussy ideas surrounding it about one thing being better than the other or why. There was no judgement, only exploration, growth and setting my own goals. I created my own self discipline and made sure to keep learning and growing even if I wasn't in the school system. And this way of life also had me expressing my own voice in a safe place even if the only person to listen was me. That is why no matter how strongly and fiercely I have been silenced by my mother, this culture or any one else that I speak up. I am still surprised when I speak up because I think, shouldn't I keep silent? But even when I have been silent, just by me being who I am I ask for trouble. And anyone who thinks freely and feels freely will attract abuse from people who have cut themselves off from their heart in some way. I sometimes wish that I could create the kind of wall, veneer, image that others seem to do so easily. But whenever I have tried it has hurt me too much.

   Over the years I have felt like all of these creative forms that I loved and developed a relationship with was demanding of me to turn to stone. To create a false facade rather than to become more real. I even felt this when I was focused on developing my success as a yoga teacher years ago after I completed the teacher training. To those of you who have read my previous posts you know how I came to stop teaching yoga and how I became afraid of teaching for years. I have often thought that even though I hated what happened, and that all of it was so very wrong and still hurts me to this day, that it forced me to keep up with a facade that I felt I had to create as a yoga teacher. With everything that happened with being assaulted and people who I thought were my friends not understanding or caring it was too much for me to put on a front that none of these things hurt me while putting on the amazing yoga teacher facade that I felt was going on all through the yoga world at the time. I thought this was the only way for a teacher to get success all the while I thought it was bull. I grew up doing yoga so again it was a shock to learn that there were so many embedded projections, expectations, politics and ego involved in the simple practice of "stretching" and " breathing". This is why I don't adapt to the way that the rest of the world works. Though I was brought up in an extremely unhealthy and insane home I was not cultured and forged by the surrounding culture at all. So as I forcefully left the nest and explored the world desperately trying to outrun the fate of my ancestors I have found I can't adapt. And that I have to try very hard to hold on to myself while nearly, mostly everyone around me is trying very very hard to hate and reject themselves or to only love the show that they can put on for others.

  I don't love the show. I love the humanity that which most people are rejecting and holding at a distance. As a result I feel like I am always immersed in a new culture and experiencing culture shock. And I always feel like I am doing something wrong. Did I say too much? Was my communication or my dance or my writing, my singing too personal? Is the image I just drew or painted too close to the truth? And then I feel and worry that honest expression doesn't belong anywhere. That art is only accepted if it's in a very tidy box and only if it expresses strength, entertainment, absurdity to entertain, perfection. I have had many real things get in the way of all of my creativity but one of them has always been "Where does it belong? This culture seems to not want this." And so would progress to money being equated with acceptance and belonging by the greater culture and that therefore meaning "success" All of that rather than a human being defining for themselves what success really is and that it isn't really success if your warping your vision and creative expression to get more students, sell more paintings, get more followers, likes etc.

  Stay tuned for Part 2 of My Journey: Evolution in Creative Expression and Sense of Self !